So today is my birthday. I'm one of those people who has an irrational dislike to the increasing number that shows my age. Let's just say I'm well over 30. Birthdays and I generally have never gotten along well. I have a history of problems with them. I have made a conscious effort in the past 10 years or so to try and embrace them, to try and see the positive. This shouldn't be that hard for me since I tend to live everyday with that kind of an outlook. I always try to see the silver lining in whatever the situation may be, sometimes even to the point of having friends question my optimistic attitude.
This year is a bit different though. I find myself in quite a different place this year for my birthday than I have in a very long time. Being recently divorced and having so many “unknowns” in front of me is a weird place to be at my age. I think back to my late teens and twenties and remember having that uncertain feeling of wondering what will happen in that next year. What job will I finally get? Will this be the year I meet someone great? Will I get to do something fabulous and exciting this year? Will I finally make enough money to do.....? I remember not really loving the uncertainty back then but basically accepting it as something to be expected. I mean, after all, isn't that what you DO in your late teens and twenties? I think the general consensus is that is when most people don't have their shit together. You are supposed to be figuring everything out. At least that is kind of how I thought. I always assumed that your 30s and 40s is when you have all your shit together and you get answers to all those unknowns and things are supposed to start making sense and feeling “okay”.
So, here I am, (well) over 30 and I find myself saying, “gee, I really hope I can get a job that will pay enough and that fits with my life right now”; “I wonder if I will meet someone great this year”; “I wonder, I wonder, I wonder”....
Now, I know that these questions can be asked at any age, but I think for me to feel as though I just got pushed back to the starting line of a race I thought I was making good time in, well....it kind of sucks. And the fact that I think that is a huge problem. See, I need to figure out a way to re-wire my brain to start looking at all of those unknowns as great adventures yet to be had even if I am feeling like I'm on a treadmill while everyone else around me is flying past me. Life isn't a race. Every person should set their own pace with their own hopes and goals. I need to not only accept that my path is taking some detours that I didn't originally plan and maybe one of those detours is going to lead me to some incredibly great things/people/experiences.
It's a matter of thinking. I NEED to stop thinking I'm too old for this and start thinking I am still so young and can't wait to see what will happen this year. Now, even though I am an optimist, I am still a realist by nature. That being said, I still don't like birthdays and don't like getting old. I don't like that when I run, jump, do a cartwheel, and generally play with my kids, I feel some aches in my body. That sucks. Just a fact. However, I am still running, jumping, doing cartwheels, and playing every chance I get with my kids and will continue to do so. I never thought I would find myself in the position I am right now, but here I am and I am determined to make the best of it.
After all, how I feel and act reflects my age on any given day better than the number, right?
